Crazy relative email blasts

[hipster holocaust]

MERRY CHRISTMAS
YOUR FIRST CHRISTMAS CARD


Cleverly done!!!


Twas two months before Christmas
When all through our land,

Not a Christian was praying

Nor taking a stand.

Why the PC Police had taken away
The reason for Christmas - no one could
say.


The children were told by their schools not to sing

About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.

It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would
say

December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.


Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit

Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!

CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-Pod

Something was changing, something quite odd!


Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa

In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.

As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was nowhere to be found.

At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.

Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-is-ty

Are words that were used to intimidate me.

Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton,
Wolf Blitzen

On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !

At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter

To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.


And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith

Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace

The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.


So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'

Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.

Choose your words carefully, choose what you say

Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS,
not Happy Holiday !


Please, all Christians join together and
wish everyone you meet

MERRY CHRISTMAS!


Christ is The Reason for the Christ-mas Season!

If you agree please forward, if not, simply delete.
Remember we as Christians are to represent what Peace looks like!

Wake up America and Canada

[hipster holocaust]

Subject: SAFE AT HOME AT LAST


I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front yard, one at each corner and
the black flag of ISIS in the center. The local police, FBI, CIA and other
intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer.

[hipster holocaust]

"Medicare Part G"

You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you. So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older, a gun (part G) and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

This means, of course, that you'll be sent to prison where you'll receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating & air
conditioning, cable TV, library and all the health care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change or heart? They're all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home .

(And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it)...

And because you're a prisoner, you don't have to pay anymore income taxes.

Is this a great country or what?

Now that we have solved your senior financial planning, enjoy your weekend!

[Ghost Dad]

What a fucknut. Same person?

[hipster holocaust]

Yup

SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW

Love you Grandma

[Whiffleball Ace]

Haha. Old people used to actually do shit with their time. I'm kind of glad my grandparents all died before becoming wholly corrupted by the Internet. Think of all the knitting not being done and all the soups not being made. I'm kind of sad now. Thread sucks!

[ghost boner]

heating and air at prison is seriously killing me

[hipster holocaust]

Attachment:



Only 31 words -- Think about it!
Isn't life strange? I never met one Veteran who enlisted to fight for Socialism!
86% will send this on.

If Muslims can pray on Madison Avenue, why are Christians banned from praying in public and from erecting religious displays on their holy days?

What happened to our National Day of Prayer. Muslims are allowed to block off Madison Ave. , in N.Y.C., and pray in the middle of the street! And, it's a monthly ritual!

Tell me, again, whose country is this? Ours or the Muslims?

I was asked to send this on if I agree, or delete if I don't. It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God.


Therefore, I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a problem in the U.S. having 'In God We Trust' on their money, and having 'God' in their Pledge of Allegiance, or the Lord's prayer said in our schools or public meetings.

I believe it's time we stand up for what we believe!

If you agree, pass this on; if not - delete IT with the rest!!

[Whiffleball Ace]

heating and air at prison is seriously killing me

Yeah-- my relatives are way into how great prisoners and people with absolutely no money have it in this country.

I'm related to people who honestly believe that the Emancipation Proclamation ended racism.

[ghost boner]

im related to black people and most of my family is still racist as shit

[hipster holocaust]

They also like to send stories about how Obama insisted that the national anthem not be played at a basketball game he was attending.

Thanks for making me lose it at work, dick

[hipster holocaust]

They also like to send stories about how Obama insisted that the national anthem not be played at a basketball game he was attending.

Thanks for making me lose it at work, dick

haha-- I have to find that email. They were totally convinced that he INSISTED that the national anthem was not played (even if the dude was some sleeper muslim cell, would this REALLY be the best way to maintain cover?) and of fucking course it happened at a BASKETBALL game.

[kelly]

You guys are killing me

When I was growing up my grandmother was not racist but my grandfather was. Then as they got old and senile, they both switched it up! Then my grandmother got jealous because my grandfather got a black nurse that he liked a lot and he was always asking for her.

My email address is safe from the few remaining relatives but I do get occasional doses of crazy via text messages.

[hipster holocaust]

I actually enjoy the email feed. I think I'd feel more intruded upon if I got this garbage via text.

[hipster holocaust]

Starting this thread was such a good idea

[Necrometer]

DO IT


absolutely killer thread so far

[hipster holocaust]

Geoff, any. ANY story that you have, down to describing the morning dump, will be appreciated in this thread. Shoot.

[ghost boner]

I also have a SHIT LOAD of stories that all end with a snooty, tweed-patch wearing atheist professor getting his comeuppance, in case anyone is interested.

Haha my grandma has one of those printed out and makes me read it all the time. Theres also one where if the vatican hadnt "got involved" in the bay of pigs everyone on earth would be dead

[Geeheeb]

Hahahahaha Vatican

[Whee of the Dead]

Everybody gets and

I love this thread.

[hipster holocaust]

Navy SEALs are always taught

1) Keep your priorities in order and 2) Know when to act without hesitation.

A Navy SEAL was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day he shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the SEAL got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The SEAL went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the SEAL and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The SEAL calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So He sent me."

I was going to LOL, but also thought about most Americans laughing at it too, but then taking into account them not laughing at it in an objective way, and then, forget it

[ghost boner]

the best part of that one is that a navy seal just decided to go back to college

[Whee of the Dead]

Wonder what university would keep a professor who spends 15 minutes of his class staring at the ceiling and quietly challenging god employed.

[Introvert]

I used to get a lot of the right wing whacko ones from my mom and sometimes my dad. One time my dad asked why I never respond to them and I told him I don't have time for silly chain emails especially ones that insult people if they don't repost. Haven't got any since.

[Foot Foot]

thread rules.

most of the people i work with say this kind of shit out loud all the time.

SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW

also they're all pro-union